Severus Snape and the Lynx effect
by Elrenia daughter of Elrohir
Summary: PG for language. What happens when Snape sees an advert for Lynx, adn decided to test this new product?


**Title**: Severus Snape and the Lynx effect

**Author**: C. Melvin

**Warnings**: Possible OOC, I'll let you decide.  Very mild bad language.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter and all related merchandise belong to Warner Bros. and J.K.Rowling.  Lynx belongs to the makers of Lynx.  I don't know who that is.

            Severus Snape watched the moving picture of a geeky-looking young man spray some sort of potion all over himself.  Seconds later the youth was almost drowning in a sea of scantily clad young women.

"The 24-hour Lynx effect" electric blue writing enthusiastically proclaimed.

"Really," sniffed Severus, laying down the paper, "the fashions of today are beyond belief.  And that potion!  It can't possibly match label claims!  I've never heard of it and I have been studying potions for over twenty years."  He considered the ruffled parchment for a moment.

"Perhaps I had better run tests on this.  There are laws against this sort of misconception – though I doubt those imbeciles who call themselves a ministry would notice."

            Twenty minutes later found Severus Snape holding a black aerosol and standing before a large cauldron.  He was currently reading through the list of ingredients on the back.

"Dammit!" he yelled.  "First they come up with about twenty different varieties and then I find the damn thing is muggle!  I don't have the equipment to assess muggle products!"  He sighed.  "Only one option left then."  Carefully pressing the little button on the lid, Severus jumped as a stream of suppressed gas was released from the tube.  Mimicking the boy on the advert, he sprayed the fine, strangely-scented mist over himself.  Setting the bottle down, he headed off to his first class; 6th year Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw.

            "Professor!" Cho Chang asked, tugging on his robe.  "This potion is so difficult, come and help me!"

"Miss Chang," Severus began, "the potion is meant to be difficult…"  He was abruptly cut off by the appearance of Padma Patil at his side.

"Oh Professor, come help me," she begged.  "You're so clever…"

"Miss Patil, please return to your cauldron and – _Miss Chang_, kindly remove yourself from my robes!"

At that moment the bell rang for the end of class and Severus breathed a sigh of relief.  'Saved by the bell indeed.'

But the students did not leave.  Instead, the female portion of his class converged around him with a storm of chattering.

"Sir, do you need any help clearing up?"

"No Professor, let me help you!"

"What do you mean you?  He wants my help!"

"Ladies!" Severus yelled, not in the best of moods by now.  "If you don't leave this moment, the whole lot of you will be in detention until you're sixty!"

"Is that a promise Sir?"  Severus groaned.  What was wrong with everyone today?

            "Honestly Hermione, I think we'll have detention within five minutes of class.  Hermione?"  Ron looked around, then turned to Harry.

"Where'd she go?"  Harry shrugged and turned the corner to the potions classroom.

"Oh look, there she is!"  Harry and Ron stared in shock as their friend rushed over to their potions Professor, aka. The greasy git, and proceeded to sit down in his lap.  Snape looked up in shock and tried to push her off, to no avail.  She merely grabbed his shoulders and – _tried to kiss him?_

"Oi!"  Ron yelled.  "What the hell are they doing?  _Snape's kissing my girlfriend_!"  They watched in shock as Snape yelled at the girls who were practically, or in some cases literally, draping themselves over him.  Finally he stood up, pushed his way past them, and fled the room in terror, nearly stepping on the hysterically sobbing Ron.  As soon as he left, the girls lost the strange dreamy looks on their faces and looked around.

"Oh Ron," said Hermione, sitting down beside her boyfriend, "What's wrong?"

            "Yorkie" Severus gasped at the stone gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office.  He burst into the office, where Albus Dumbledore was in the process of having tea with Minerva McGonagall.

"Dear boy," he said, eyes twinkling, "What can I do for - Get off my fiancé!"  McGonagall had thrown herself at Severus and now had him pinned to the floor.  Severus shoved her off himself and fled the room, screaming.

            Back in his quarters, Severus poured himself a large glass of whiskey and sat down at his desk.

"_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_       I have tested your product for the effectiveness of the Lynx effect, and have found that it possibly works a bit too well.  You may want to look at this in future marketing._

_Sincerely, Severus Snape._"

He then set down his quill and sat in his comfortable armchair before the fire.

"Reclusive-ness," he sighed, "is a wonderful thing."  He closed his eyes and-

"Oh Sevvie!" called the female portrait above his fireplace.

            That night, all that could be heard was the chirping of the crickets, the quarrelling of slightly unfaithful _cough-_kissing your professor-_cough_, and the lone scream of a greatly desired man.

**End**


End file.
